May 14, 2013
A funny thing, is a person's faith. Especially when you have it
and then you don't anymore. It is hard to say when it slipped away
and it is even harder to grasp, because it is so hard to get a hold
of once it is lost. I have been fighting with my faith or maybe I
should say that I have been fighting to find my faith. It is hard
when a soul feels so much heartache.I know that it is there, deep inside, because at odd time I feel it. Sometimes certain things light up my soul, and I remember how it once was. Most times, I look back at being a Christian, and all the things I used to do “Reading my Bible, Praying, going to church, etc”, and I don't see myself. I see this strange, wonderful, strong person that was connected to something larger and majestic. Part of me wants to be like that, but I realize I do not know how. I still listen to Christian radio once in a while. I still get KLOVE daily scriptures in my email. Do I read them? No, not most of the time. I delete them feeling they don't apply to me anymore. I don't feel I can relate, because I lost my faith.
How did I lose my faith? I wish I had some awesome excuse for losing it, such as I had a life altering experience that gave me a deep sense of self. I imagine that is how losing faith is for some people. Mine was simple and probably known. It was various things that wore down my solid resolve. It was pain and loneliness. It was disappointment and rejection. It was a disappointment in the world and with the world, that sucked me in and slowly eroded my belief and my faith in God. I guess, if the mountain won't move because it is steadfast, then the harsh elements will move it slowly by chipping away, at its surface. I am the gobstopper of a meager life in the awful mouth of the world. My faith layers have been stripped away slowly by pain, disappointment, rejection and loneliness and my inner soul is almost exposed. There is nothing left to show. I am not a proud Christian with quoting scriptures. I am not that strong follower of Christ that can smile at every pain I face. I am just a simple woman that has been viciously broken by the world and the people in it.
I can say that without my faith to secure me, life seems very scary and I feel lost. Almost like that one lamb that was lost from 99 sheep that were secure with the Shepard. I sometimes wonder if He is looking for me, or is it just my deep wish that someone would be looking for me. That is my lack of faith. Do I have faith that anything can save me from this war torn world. A world where 14 year girls get pregnant, and killed her newborns, out of fear and heartlessness. A world where a man engages the heart of a woman only to use her in anyway possible to benefit himself. A world where human life is so temporary, that millions die everyday and no one blinks an eye. People are harsh and hateful. People are disconnected and disrespectful. People are lonely and lost. This is the world, in which I live and strive to survive from. A world in which I lost my faith and feebly try to find it.
Sometimes, just sometimes something reaches me in the void. Back in April, I opened one of the KLOVE daily scriptures. Why did I open it? I don't know. Maybe I felt bad because I had so many of them in my email box unopened that I opened one, just because. This is what is said:
“I promise this very day that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles.” Zechariah 9:12b NLT
This little piece of scripture touched me. Why? Maybe because deep down inside I want to believe that God will bless me beyond my troubles.
It is funny this thing called “Faith” and how ones fights with it. At times, I have refrained from praying or even talking to God, yet at odd times, I have found myself talking to Him. And as soon as I realize what I am doing, I stop. I asked myself “Am I just be stubborn? Or I am trying to get away from something that controls how I should act and what I should do with my life? Honestly, I don't know. That is why I am fighting with my faith. It is true or am I just suffering from doubt due to disappointment and pain.
I am struggling with who I am as a person and why I believe. I am struggling with the depth of my belief. I am struggling with heartache. A heartache that maybe I have been blind all these years of my belief. Only God can tell me and show me, I haven't been.
I guess only time will tell.
