Faith

May 14, 2013


A funny thing, is a person's faith. Especially when you have it and then you don't anymore. It is hard to say when it slipped away and it is even harder to grasp, because it is so hard to get a hold of once it is lost. I have been fighting with my faith or maybe I should say that I have been fighting to find my faith. It is hard when a soul feels so much heartache.

I know that it is there, deep inside, because at odd time I feel it. Sometimes certain things light up my soul, and I remember how it once was. Most times, I look back at being a Christian, and all the things I used to do “Reading my Bible, Praying, going to church, etc”, and I don't see myself. I see this strange, wonderful, strong person that was connected to something larger and majestic. Part of me wants to be like that, but I realize I do not know how. I still listen to Christian radio once in a while. I still get KLOVE daily scriptures in my email. Do I read them? No, not most of the time. I delete them feeling they don't apply to me anymore. I don't feel I can relate, because I lost my faith.

How did I lose my faith? I wish I had some awesome excuse for losing it, such as I had a life altering experience that gave me a deep sense of self. I imagine that is how losing faith is for some people. Mine was simple and probably known. It was various things that wore down my solid resolve. It was pain and loneliness. It was disappointment and rejection. It was a disappointment in the world and with the world, that sucked me in and slowly eroded my belief and my faith in God. I guess, if the mountain won't move because it is steadfast, then the harsh elements will move it slowly by chipping away, at its surface. I am the gobstopper of a meager life in the awful mouth of the world. My faith layers have been stripped away slowly by pain, disappointment, rejection and loneliness and my inner soul is almost exposed. There is nothing left to show. I am not a proud Christian with quoting scriptures. I am not that strong follower of Christ that can smile at every pain I face. I am just a simple woman that has been viciously broken by the world and the people in it.

I can say that without my faith to secure me, life seems very scary and I feel lost. Almost like that one lamb that was lost from 99 sheep that were secure with the Shepard. I sometimes wonder if He is looking for me, or is it just my deep wish that someone would be looking for me. That is my lack of faith. Do I have faith that anything can save me from this war torn world. A world where 14 year girls get pregnant, and killed her newborns, out of fear and heartlessness. A world where a man engages the heart of a woman only to use her in anyway possible to benefit himself. A world where human life is so temporary, that millions die everyday and no one blinks an eye. People are harsh and hateful. People are disconnected and disrespectful. People are lonely and lost. This is the world, in which I live and strive to survive from. A world in which I lost my faith and feebly try to find it.

Sometimes, just sometimes something reaches me in the void. Back in April, I opened one of the KLOVE daily scriptures. Why did I open it? I don't know. Maybe I felt bad because I had so many of them in my email box unopened that I opened one, just because. This is what is said:

“I promise this very day that I will repay two blessings for each of your troubles.” Zechariah 9:12b NLT

This little piece of scripture touched me. Why? Maybe because deep down inside I want to believe that God will bless me beyond my troubles.

It is funny this thing called “Faith” and how ones fights with it. At times, I have refrained from praying or even talking to God, yet at odd times, I have found myself talking to Him. And as soon as I realize what I am doing, I stop. I asked myself “Am I just be stubborn? Or I am trying to get away from something that controls how I should act and what I should do with my life? Honestly, I don't know. That is why I am fighting with my faith. It is true or am I just suffering from doubt due to disappointment and pain.

I am struggling with who I am as a person and why I believe. I am struggling with the depth of my belief. I am struggling with heartache. A heartache that maybe I have been blind all these years of my belief. Only God can tell me and show me, I haven't been.

I guess only time will tell.

Finding the Truth in the Word, and in my heart.

February 26 John 1:19-34 Psalm 2

Yesterday night was a bit of a hassle with my soul, as I missed the Wednesday service. I really needed some praise and worship in my life yesterday, but my peace of mind came later that night when I was praying a little bit, or I was trying to. My DVD player stopped playing so I just relaxed in silence while reading my new book. It is called “Overcoming the Enemy” by Charles Stanley. It was about discovering God’s plan for winning Spiritual battles. I got into Chapter two when I relaxed so much I fell asleep, which was really unusually for me, as uptight as I was last night. IT was a God send for me. I had a lovely night’s sleep.

I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to go with reading my Bible and praying. :o)

John 1:19-34

A Voice in the Wilderness

19 Now this is the testimony of John, when the Jews sent priests and Levites from Jerusalem to ask him, “Who are you?” 20 He confessed, and did not deny, but confessed, “I am not the Christ.”
21 And they asked him, “What then? Are you Elijah?” He said, “I am not.” “Are you the Prophet?”
And he answered, “No.” 22 Then they said to him, “Who are you, that we may give an answer to those who sent us? What do you say about yourself?” 23 He said: “I am

The voice of one crying in the wilderness:

Make straight the way of the LORD,”’
as the prophet Isaiah said.”

I believe that John was the messenger sent to prepare the way for the Messiah.
John the Baptist had a strong character and confidence before the priests and Levites from Jereusalem to declare he wasn’t who they thought he was, and bold enough to state what his role was in God’s Kingdom.

I hope to have the confidence and the boldness of John the Baptist when I proclaim the Good News to others.

24 Now those who were sent were from the Pharisees. 25 And they asked him, saying, “Why then do you baptize if you are not the Christ, nor Elijah, nor the Prophet?”
26 John answered them, saying, “I baptize with water, but there stands One among you whom you do not know. 27 It is He who, coming after me, is preferred before me, whose sandal strap I am not worthy to loose.” 28 These things were done in Bethabara beyond the Jordan, where John was baptizing.

Wow, it must have been amazing for John to state that the Messiah was among them and none of them realized it but him. To have Jesus, the Son of God, walking in the midst, experiences life as we lived it. It is very humbling to know that Jesus, left his Throne in Heaven, to walk among us.

To think of that is mind boggling, to think Jesus cared enough for me, you and everyone that he sacrificed so much just for us.

I know I am not worthy as a sinful human to unloosen his sandal strap, but only by his precious blood that he shed at Calvary, as I am worthy to stand before Father God.

The Lamb of God

29 The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! 30 This is He of whom I said, ‘After me comes a Man who is preferred before me, for He was before me.’ 31 I did not know Him; but that He should be revealed to Israel, therefore I came baptizing with water.” 32 And John bore witness, saying, “I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and He remained upon Him. 33 I did not know Him, but He who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘Upon whom you see the Spirit descending, and remaining on Him, this is He who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ 34 And I have seen and testified that this is the Son of God.”

I believe Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world

John knew then the Messiah stepped forth, but I wonder how many were in the crowd that saw what John saw that day. Did any that were there hunger for the Kingdom of God as John did. Did any of them feel within their hearts that this person that stepped forth, who was Jesus, was special. Did their hearts speak to them and tell them it was their Messiah standing there? Some day I will ask God these questions and I know all my questions will be answered.

I believe God the Father confirmed that Jesus is the Savior of the world when the Holy Spirit descended and rested upon him after his baptism.

During this time, I like to imagine what it might have been like to be in the crowd and follow Jesus as His ministry grew. Would I have been an skeptic or would have my heart proclaimed the true to my soul, when I saw Jesus? As my heart yearns for Jesus, I want to believe I would have known as soon as John the Baptist proclaimed it.

My mind might not have wanted to believe it because it is rationalizes by human standards, but the heart, the soul knows and believes sometimes what the mind can comprehend. That is how I know there is a God. I believe because the fiber of my being tells me so, even though my mind logically tries at times to disprove His existence.

Psalm 2

This psalm helps me focus on it is not the places, the kingdoms of this world that I should focus on, because all things of this Earth, will fall away int time.

The Messiah’s Triumph and Kingdom

1 Why do the nations rage,
And the people plot a vain thing?
2 The kings of the earth set themselves,
And the rulers take counsel together,
Against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying,
3 “Let us break Their bonds in pieces
And cast away Their cords from us.”

All around me, I see the world raging and taking over other countries. I see people caught up in the vanities of being the King of the Hill, as others are trampled underneath. I have even see lately in the news how Countries around the world have denied the Kingdom of God and His Messiah, Jesus. I am watching those people try to tear down what God controls. I know that God is in control.

I know that the Lord scoffs at the human attempts to overthrow His kingship.

4 He who sits in the heavens shall laugh;
The Lord shall hold them in derision.
5 Then He shall speak to them in His wrath,
And distress them in His deep displeasure:
6 “Yet I have set My King
On My holy hill of Zion.”

May the Word of God always be my shining light in this world. I hope that my heart always remains true as the world around me doubts My God. And when my God acts upon His displeasure to those that scorn him and do not believe in Him, may I always pray for those unbelievers so they might see the truth.


7 “I will declare the decree:
The LORD has said to Me,
‘You are My Son,
Today I have begotten You.
8 Ask of Me, and I will give You
The nations for Your inheritance,
And the ends of the earth for Your possession.
9 You shall break them with a rod of iron;
You shall dash them to pieces like a potter’s vessel.’”

I am child of God and My God is my Father. As a child would ask of their father, all I have to do is ask and He will provide. He has granted me many blessings, and He wants me to prosper, for it is right as a child of God. It is my inheritance!

One of my friend told me once, a cub of the Lion, and that makes me a Lion as well, as that in itself is powerful, because sometimes I forget that I am child of God and the rights that come with it. I should never forget that!

I want to be more like David for yearn for the Heart of God and to do His will in his life.

I want to be more like John the Baptist, who was bold and strong in proclaiming the coming of God’s Kingdom. I want to be bold and strong in this world and share the Gospel with others.

I want to be more like Jesus who was compassionate to all and had His heart and mind and soul only for you, God. I want to be like that always.

10 Now therefore, be wise, O kings;
Be instructed, you judges of the earth.
11 Serve the LORD with fear,
And rejoice with trembling.
12 Kiss the Son, lest He be angry,
And you perish in the way,
When His wrath is kindled but a little.
Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.

Lord, allow all that I do, be in the wisdom in which You give me. May the Lord always instruct me in the ways I should act upon and do within my employment. I hope that I shall always serve God with fear, that He knows all and my ungodly actions will be seen maybe not by man, but will always be seen by God.

I praise God that it is He that keeps my pathways straight and my mind pure in a World that is wild and ungodly. I put my trust in God and His son, Jesus and not in the worldly kings in which I live.

I serve the Lord with fear and rejoicing because he is King of all.

I submit of God’s Son and find protection in Him

Daniel's Prayer Daniel 9:4-19

This is a lengthy prayer and I am very tired, so I will resume discussing what that prayer tells me when I read it. I must not fall behind on reading or writing or I won’t catch up.

Tomorrow I will be reading and studying John 1:35-51 (Word) Psalm 5 (Praise) and David's Prayer for Protection Psalm 3 (Prayer)

I have to say with much rejoicing and gladness that I have found my place back with God. I realized earlier today that my faith in God has been restored and I knew it wouldn’t take long. The Word of God and what God does in my life daily, is proof enough for me that He is there. I don’t have to always understand why things happen in my life the way they do. I just have to have faith and trust in my Father God. And at times, a stumble on the path of my faith, but God is patience with me, and when I do fall, He does help me up, weather I acknowledge it or not. He is there.

And for that, I am very, very thankful and blessed by His presence in my life.

God bless