Last night I after a very busy day both mentally and physically, I sat laid down and grabbed my Bible. I opened it and wondered what God wanted me to read. I originally opened it up to the Book of Job, but since I am no longer suffering with depression, my heart felt I needed something a bit more gripping at the moment.
I flipped through and my eye caught on Mark 5:21-43 And as I lay there relaxing, God spoke to me through His Word.
As I read, I noticed that Jairus, the one of the synagogue rulers, fell at Jesus' feet pleading with him to heal his young daughter that was dying. This man believed that Jesus could heal his daughter. His belief ranged that she was dying and if He would just lay His hand upon her, she would heal and live.
And in a span of moments, I knew the story well, because I had read it before many times, but never saw it as I saw it now.
It was the words
And pleaded earnestly with him, "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live" Mark 5:23
I realized that his man believe that Jesus could heal his daughter because she was still alive and he was earnestly was moving the Lord to come and come quickly to work His miracle. It dawned on me that Jairus' faith might have been as limited because he felt that Jesus could only work while the small child was alive.
It made me wonder about that for a moment when I looked back at my own faith and how I limited Jesus' power in my life. How many times myself I have I said to myself to God to please do something before it is too late. It makes me really wonder. Is it ever too late for God to work miracles in my life?
The next part of the story always has touched me deeply both humorously and sincerely. A woman that who had been subjected to twelve years of some issue of blood, which she suffered a great deal. The Scripture talks about how she had been under the care of many doctors and spend all she while looking for a healing. In Jesus' time, any issue of blood would have made her unclean by Jewish standards. I can't understand the stress and the possible heartache she must have felt emotionally as she tried to find relief physically from her malady.
It is her statment that shows she unfailing faith, a type of faith that some Christian lack.
Because she thought "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed" Mark 5: 28
She believed that Jesus could heal her! She belief moved her to reach out, no matter that there where a crowd a people around Jesus. Her belief was unfailing. It moved her
I asked myself last night. Do I have that type of belief of the woman with the issue of blood or I am more like Jarius. I have to say that my faith has waned and I have been in both spots in my life.
I know right now, as just a less then a week ago, God worked His miracle in my life, very much like Jairus. In the past months, I begged Jesus to help me with my depression and my unhappiness that racked my heart. I asked earnestly for Him to come and save the frail heart that was seemlying at the point of death. That is how I felt. I felt like I was dying inside, and knew if Jesus would just come to me, I could be healed.
Just like Jairus, I had to wait impatiently as he did yet I was just as fearful. I begged for Jesus to move, but just like with Jairus, Jesus had other plans with me. And I had to see things, expierence things before He lifted my depression. The one thing I had to experience most of all, was total brokenness so that I was more pliable in the Lord's hands to do His work, rather then my own. It is a very hard thing to live with, brokenness.
That words I say next I don't say lightly, I only say them because I understand, but I don't condone what people do when they seem like they have no more options to stop the pain they feel. I can understand how a person would want to take their life when they are so very depressed. It seems that it is the only option they have. No person can fix or heal the pain that touches that heart which is hurting. Everyone hurts for various reasons, and deals with coping with pain differently. Some people have poor coping skills, which cause they to take a more permanent solution to a temporary problem. It all comes down to how a person copes with pain.
In the pain I felt with my depression, I gripped the one thing that helped me cope. I knew if I ever let go, I would be lost even more then I was. I never let go of Jesus.
I laugh at it now, because the darkness as passed but I can see myself clinging to Jesus' robe like a pitbull latched on to the padded arm of a dog warden. My jaw was set and locked tight, I wasn't letting go. Even in my depression, my stubborness reared its ugly head, but in a way that saved me. In a way that healed me. It showed my faith in the Lord. Just as the woman with the issue of blood, I knew the power of Jesus' blood. I knew He could soothe my pains and heal my wounds. I just had to wait it out impatiently as Jairus.
When I said humorously about the woman with the issue of blood, I said that because way back in 1997 when I first got saved, I remember reading about how Jesus asked his disciples about who had touched him. I just laughed because I could see that Jesus was surrounded by a large crowd of people, that His statment seemed almost ridiculous. I laughed because I enjoyed to see that a bit of humor in the situation even thought the crowd was probably very emotionally charged, with Jairus among them worried, and fearful.
That even in an emotional charged situation, such as battling depression -the crying fits, the feeling of hopelessness and the pleads for help, Jesus can bring humor in a light hearted manner that can only make a heart smile with Joy. I know it is hard to explain, but it is stated in the Bible that the things of God are sometimes undescribable by our human standards. We only know what our heart feels. I say a bit of humor, because last Saturday when Jesus changed my life and lifted my depression. He didn't say "Who touched my clothes?" but more like "Do you see what you have done to yourself?" as if I was a very small child, that got scrapped up, bumped around, muddy, scratched, and now I was standing there covered in flith, blood and mud. And when Jesus said it, it wasn't a scolding or punishing, but it was one of sorrow and concern, filled with love and healing. I looked at myself honestly, unblinded by the pain I had felt from others and the world. And at the moment, the depression I felt was lifted and I saw how I had been treated myself and how I looked with all my subborness to lead my own life.
I was the long lost lamb, that Jesus looked for and didn't give up until I was back in his arms. I can smile now and laugh at my stubbornness, because now it seems so silly that I acted the way I did.
I laid in bed last night smiling knowing that a person have to go through learning different types of faith during one's life.
So once after Jesus healed the woman, Jarius so heard the news that he dreaded to hear. "Your daughter is dead" and "Why bother the teacher anymore?"
A wonderful thing happened after that. I am sure Jarius' heart just burst in his heart with pain. He had so much faith that if Jesus would just come to his house, his loved one would be healed. A wonderful thing to hear Jesus' voice say "Don't be afraid; just believe"
How many times does a person have to hear those wonderful words. Not just from our fellow Christians, but from Jesus himself. I believe those are the words that Jesus said to me that Saturday morning when I sat there in my deep sadness and pain. I might have been physically sitting in a chair at my computer, but spiritually I was laying on the ground, crying at the feet of Jesus. He lifted me up, comforted me. And in love, said "Look at yourself" in a manner as if I needed extra care, a spiritual bath of his healing blood to heal and clean my many wounds, and a closeness to feel loved and safe. Just like a lost lamb.
And suddenly, in a blink of an eye, I was changed. The cloud of depression was lifted and I had joy in my heart undescribable.
In Mark 5:38-39. Jesus saw the commotion filled with crying and wailing loudly. He told them the child was not dead.
As I lay on my spiritual floor, I was crying and wailing. I was dead. I felt dead. I felt worst then dead. I knew I was saved, but I still felt dead. How is that? I still ask myself that. It doesn't matter now, but I am sure if I need to know God will enlighten me in time. The only important thing is that Jesus picked me up and reminded me that I wasn't dead, I was just sleeping, just like the daughter of Jairus.
but like Jarius, Jesus also had to show me that He works in His timing, not my own. And it is never too late for Jesus to work with me, once I have been saved. I was a lamb in His flock and He would never abandon me, when I some how lost my way and got lost. The Shepherd will always search and bring back the wayward lamb to His flock.
That like Jarius, I limited my faith in God. I believed that there God could possible only help me during the demanding time of my heart. I was trying to stubbornly get Him to work according to my time. But just like Jarius with the issues of faith, and the death and witnessed resurrection of Lazarus. It shows that Jesus arrives exactly on time, every time. It isn't our time. But His time.
So learned last night that I have limited my faith according to what I saw and felt, as well as I also hard an unfailing faith in the saving grace of my Lord and Saviour. That the Word of God teaches and shows me parts of my own life in the Bible, in a way I had never saw before.
I just have to be still and allow God to speak to me and He will teach me about faith and what I am suppose to learn from it.
Thank you Lord :o)
