What IS your JOY?

Joy think about it. What does Joy mean to you. Joy has been the top subject for me since May 30, 2009 Let me explain just a sliver of it.

I had suffered with depression for the last 13 years to be truthful, no matter how sad it maybe. Depression can really suck the life out of someone. The sad thing is that with the depression I suffered was because of myself and how I was conducting my life. Only my faith in God really pulled me thought, because God was the only one that could reach me where I was going.

I have always had a very strong relationship with Jesus, since its begining with I was 5 years old. I turned to Him when I was sad. I turned to Him when I was suffering. I even turned to Him to share my joys. As as I had a rough childhood filed with physical, mental and emotional abuse, Jesus keep me safe throught it all and helped me rise above it. So when I got saved in July 1997, 13 years ago, it was a freedom that I had never had before.

I was afraid of going to Hell, being separated from seeing God when I died. So when I accepted Jesus into my heart as my sole pilot of my life, I was free of the fear. I was free of alot of the things that burdened me. Still I wasn't really free of all burdens. God would have me carry those just a while longer. 13 years to be exact, until I learned and did what God needed me to do.

So for the last 13 years I was pretty much moving toward a place in my life which was equviant to playing in traffic. Please see my blog for June 4, 2008 "Are you waiting to be roadkill? It is on my blog at blogspot. I am not hear to promote. I am here to share the grief of depression and the feeling of helplessness that depression descends on a person.

Until that day, Saturday morning on May 30th of this year, I stuggled at times to find Joy in life. I knew that Jesus gave me Joy for HE WAS inside of me. IN MY HEART, yet at times, most of the time, I stuggled to find the joy that many people easily found.

I struggled with this. I read scripture to focus on the Joy that was in God. I said Nehimiah 8:10 so often, a person would think that the statement would sink in.

The Joy of the Lord IS my strength. I repeated over and over again some days when if felt like my life was crashing down. Emotional I was falling apart. I was lonely, seemingly just exsisting instead of living and uncertain where the world was going to send me next. Like I said, depression and dispair can suck the life out of you. It is Satan's main tactic in getting control. Worry is the theft to Joy. Satan uses it to rob the inner assuarance that the Lord is in control. Satan uses three things to reek havoc in a person's life. Most people don't see it and Christian struggle with it the most because of the belief of knowing that Jesus is with them, then Satan can't touch them. Satan can't touch you, but Satan sure can lead you away. And away the Evil One will lead you, if you give him a chance.

Satan uses doubt, denial and deception to lead your thinking away from Christ. If Satan can get your mind to stray away from Him, then he can guide a confused lamb away from the flock. That is what Satan did to me for 13 years. I was just within range of Jesus, but not close enough to always hear him. It was freedom to wander a bit from the Master's hand, yet I didn't know that the farther I got away from Him, I was impeding my own growth in Him. His word wasn't sinking in as deep as it should have. The Joy that He was giving me wasn't getting through because Satan was making me doubt the things in my life, making me thinking I wasn't that important. It was Satan's main deception in my life. I was never good enough. I wasn't important. I was pretty much useless to God. He had so many other children, which were doing great things and showing their love to Him. What I was trying to do, was worthless to Him and those around me. That was Satan's deception and doubt he created within.

I felt no Joy at times. Not the type of joy that many other born again Christians felt. I wanted that joy and I asked God about it several times, but go no answer. I felt lost at times. I knew He was there. There was no doubt about that.I just couldn't feel His presence when I needed it the most. I believed in God. I knew He was faith faith. It is scripted in His word. In Genesis, after Adam and Eve sinned and they were kicked out of Eden. God proclaimed His promise that salvation would come for them. Even in the fear, the hurt and the dispair, there was joy to be found.

"From now on, you and the woman will be enemies, and your offspring and her offspring will be enemimes. He will crush your head, and you will strike his heel" Genesis 3:15

The Joy that Jesus would come save us. A promise even in our trials and tribulations, we will find Joy.

Look at Noah, Abramham, Issac, Joseph, and countless others. They struggled with issues that stole their joy, but they have faith that the true Joy is in the Lord, only if you fully surrender all to Him.

The JOY of the LORD IS my strength

I had to asked myself how I defined my joy, and realized before May 30, It was very hard to define because I didn't feel it much, if at all. I believed and had faith in God, but I wasn't opening myself up to His Joy. I had to surrender. Like many things a person have to do in order for God to really work in one's life. One must surrender all to the Lord.

It is our willful choice to rejoice in the Lord. Many people choice not to and fill their lives with external things to create their happiness. That type of happiness is fleeting. That is not Joy. I know the difference from between happiness and Joy. Happiness is an emotion that is fleeting, and most of the time is triggered by an outside influence in one's life. Joy is something internal. Deep within one's self which wells up and outward and spills out around them.

Look around you. Which people are the most joyful with their lifes. Are they Christians that surrendered their lives, their problems, their external things to the Lord. I am sure most of them are. If they don't have Jesus within, I am certain that they do not have an everlasting spring of life and joy, and when they are alone, I am sure they are very unhappy about their lives in general.

Joy is internal. Joy comes from the Love of the Lord to us from Him. I know this. It happened to me on May 30. I felt it welling up inside of me and overflowing. I changed in a blink of an eye. It was miraclous to me. It was so overflowing that I had on person seriously ask me if I was on crack. I just laughed and said "NO, I just have so much joy it seems impossible to contain." The joy has been non stop since that day. To have the joy that the Lord has for you is healing for the body, calming to mind and life to the soul. The healing I got was so life changing for me. Back in July 1997, my salvation was true, but the healing I needed wasn't complete. God knew I needed time. My heart was always willing to serve the Lord. He knew this, but I wasn't ready to do what He needed me to do. I had to learn things and grow. Now I feel His Joy, His word makes so much sense and I feel His presence more strongly then I ever did before. I see things that through my 13 rough years, He was there the whole time, holding me, guiding me and walking with me until I got there I needed to be in His plan.

If you don't have joy in your life overflowing within you. If you don't feel Jesus there next to you. He is there, believe me. When you are finally unblinded by the depction and doubt of Satan, you will see Him. And know He was always there. Don't give up. Keep the faith, no matter if you dont' feel it. Jesus IS there.

Remember this:

You have sorrow now but I will see you again; then you will rejoice and no one can rob you of that Joy John 16:22

Jesus was going to his death and he was comforting the disciples that they would see Him again.It is the same with us, but instead of Him seeing us again, He is always there, we just can't "see" him as in meaning feel Him in times of doubt or pain. But He is there. And soon you WILL see Him there and it will fill you with Joy as it did me.

I just never gave up. I believed and was faithful, no matter how much I couldn't see or feel what I thought I was suppose to be feeling or seeing. I didn't feel God's presence. I felt lost and alone at times. But that doesn't mean I was really alone. Because I wasn't. And neither are.

As I depart this thought process. I leave you to things:

Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again-Rejoice! Philippians 4:4

Paul said those words. He wasn't at Disneyland or even laid back relaxing his evening in comfort. He was in prison and facing horrible factors and events in his life. Yet, he still rejoiced in the Lord. Jesus within him overflowing! You have that and can have that. I found mine and now it is time for yours.

Then he returned to the disciples and found them alseep. He said to Pete, "Couldn't you stay awak and watch with me even one hour? Keep alert and pray. Otherwise temptation will overpower you. For thought the spirit is willing enough, the body is weak!" Matthew 26:40-41

Jesus was struggling with dispair and felt deep anguish and he turned to his disciples for support. He had faith in God, and knew he needed to face things, very much like you did, but being human he need "flesh" support to help the weakness that the flesh is subjected to. Always remember, it is ok to turn toward someone for help and support. None of us can just fully rely on God. As Jesus said, the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. So we need "flesh" support from others to help us, encourage us and uplift us when we can not do it ourselves.

I am here for you if you need me. Email me or comment me, I am awake to stay up and pray with you, if you need support.

God bless.

The State of The World and a Loss

I have to say that my mind has been a flutter with various issues concerning Michael Jackson on his untimely death. I have many opinions, but the one that I will only address at the moment is the one that is very blantantly obvious from my stand point.

Idol worship. Plain and simple.

The Bible states:

1 Then God gave the people all these instructions:
2 “I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. 3 “You must not have any other god but me. 4 “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea. 5 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. 6 But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those who love me and obey my commands.

Exodus 20:1-6

The death of Michael Jackson and the reactions of the people clearly shows idol worship in its simple form. I have seen many people so very distraught of his death that it seems almost as their whole life has been ruined by the event.

Yes, death of another human is a very sad thing to experience. Any death its self is traumatic and sad. Life is precious and when one person sees a life extinguished is horrible. I know. Just in the month of June, while I was driving to see my Grandma Mert and Generic Dad I saw a squirrel that had gotten injuired in the road. I saw him dragging his little body to the side of the road. The sight gripped me so hard that I couldn't stop crying for a half an hour. I knew the poor think must have been in pain and to the point of death. It was just a squirrel, but still it was life.

Michael Jackson's death was sad and untimely, but he was not a god. I know that to many he was and his public adoration of his fans show it. The crying, the fainting, the swaying. It reminds me of God's word in part.

You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. Exodus 20:5

It seems that fans, which is a lot of the world, at least from my stand point from the pictures in the media are worshipping. Worshipping Michael Jackson.

He was only a human. A very eccentric man, warpped by his childhood and by his fame, but still human like us all.

I can't say that I am surprized by all the hype all over the world in the adoration of Michael Jackson. I believe God made us to worship. We are created to worship.

There are 7 ways to worship God as proof.

1. Praise and Thanksgiving by grateful declaration, public or private. This includes prayer. One example of this is Hebrews 13:15

2. Joyful songs. Psalm 100:1-2 is an example

3. Dancing. David danced is an example when he rejoiced over the Ark of the Covenant. You can find that in 1Samuel 6:14.

4. Observing the Lord's Supper. As seen in 1Corinthians 11:26

5. Cheerful giving of money, as found in 2 Corinthians 9:7

6. Giving of one's time through the administering of our spiritual gifts so that the Body of Christ may be edified. 1Corinthians 12:1-14:34

7. Making our bodies a living sacrifice. As stated in Romans 12 :1-2

We were made to worship Him. Simple.

But instead of worshipping Him, through the centuries, the Bible shows how the Israelites worshiped pagan gods of other countries. The Prophets Isaiah and Jeremiah were always trying to remind the Isrealites of the one true God and that God was to be worshiped only and no others.

I seen alot of idol worship in the last 2 weeks. It all started with Michael Jackson's death.

I can honestly say that I didn't cry when I found out about his death. I was very greived about the loss of such a great talent in the entertainment world, but I know his amazing work will always be with us, if he will not be.

But one has to focus on what possibly many people that are grieving over Michael Jackson are missing. They are busy worshiping for the wrong reason, and failing to see the truth. Michael Jackson was not a God. He was just a man. I pray only in time that those people that are grieving so deeply will see the truth.

With the one true God, it has been promised that death is not the end. Last year I bought a key chain that still moves me to this day. It says:

No eye has seen,
No ear has heard,
No mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him
Death is not the End.

I can not judge Michael Jackson on his beliefs or the throngs of people that are grieving over his death for theirs. I can only hope and pray they can come to their senses and see the truth. The prophets warned the nations to mend their ways to avert disaster See Isaiah 1:16-17

16.Wash yourselves and be clean! Get your sins out of my sight. Give up your evil ways.
17. Learn to do good. Seek justice. Help the oppressed. Defend the cause of orphans.
Fight for the rights of widows. Isaiah :16-17

Jeremiah, did not hold back when chastising the people that fell away.

4 Listen to the word of the Lord, people of Jacob—all you families of Israel! 5 This is what the Lord says: “What did your ancestors find wrong with me that led them to stray so far from me? They worshiped worthless idols, only to become worthless themselves. 6 They did not ask, ‘Where is the Lord who brought us safely out of Egypt and led us through the barren wilderness— a land of deserts and pits, a land of drought and death, where no one lives or even travels?’ 7 “And when I brought you into a fruitful land to enjoy its bounty and goodness, you defiled my land and corrupted the possession I had promised you. Jeremiah 2:4-7

I can only hope that as the Isrealites saw from their mistakes that various people might see theirs in their seemingly worship of a simple man.

That is all Michael was. He was talented, but a simple man never the less. Just like Nimrod in Genesis 10:9 , he was just human, which was raised much higher then should have been. Mary, the mother of Jesus is another person has been raised to worship status among Catholics. I was raised Catholic, I would know this very imtimately. All Mary was a simple woman, a human favored by God. That is all.

Please pray for those lost in this world and those who need to find the real truth and the light. We are get lost in our way, but God is forgiving and always takes us back, regardless of our past. His Word shows us that. I thank Jesus that with his ultimate sacrifice that I am saved.

REMEMBER this:

29 Jesus replied, “The most important commandment is this: ‘Listen, O Israel! The Lord our God is the one and only Lord. 30 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ Mark 12:29-30

God's treasures now laying in His hands

This morning as I was praying, I was laying my earthly treasures, the people I love, before the Lord in faith and trust I was reminded me something I did a couple days ago.

Just a couple days ago I was explaining to a young woman about something that God shared with me some weeks ago. It was about treasures. The original revelation was about 2 weeks ago, when I was talking to Phil, when God showed me "Treasures"

We have treasures in our lives. Our treasures are the people that we love. All treasures are long lasting but only some are present our whole lifetime and other treasures are only with us a short while. As I was explaining this to Phil why I wasn't depressed or upset and how God touched my heart so deeply. God showed me that even thought I am depressed about the particulars in my life, I have really not lost. I still have the treasures that I have been grieving that I have lost forever.

It was very hard to address a very sensitive issue without causing any wanted pain. I told Phil that even that he lost his 3 year old daughter, a very precious jewel, 6 years ago he really never lost her. She is still in his treasure chest, and she remains there for him to always look at. Her time to be out of the special resting place had ended and God placed her in Phil's treasure chest for safe keeping. I went on to explain, the same was true of my Gram, even the jewel that was my love for Travis, once our relationship had ended. The jewels of their lives were still there, just placed for safe keeping in my treasure chest.

What ever the purpose, some jewels are no longer present in the daily showing of their beauty, such as Phil's young daughter. God's purpose for that small jewel had been accomplished and it was His that called her home, and the jewel was placed in a safe keeping.

This piece of scripture really hits home to me from what God shared with me that day.

Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. 21 Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be. Matthew 6:20-21

It is those treasures are in the treasure chest of your heart, as well as in God's hands. So when I pray for those that I love, I always tell my Father God that I am laying my treasure in His hands, because He knows as I do know now, how precious they really are.

My heart is no longer heavy with the loss of friendships, or loves. I am not saddened by the death of loved ones. I am joyful because I have not lost them. They are still my treasures. They are just in the safe keeping of my Lord. As well, no matter what, what might befall my precious treasures, I know with all my heart that the Joy of the Lord is my strength.

Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10

So I was explaining this to a young woman the other day as she was grieving over the loss of a dear friendship. I told her, she still have the treasure in that friendship. That she always would. It just possible it will never been held as closely as the past, but only as a jewel never to be taken out of the treasure chest that God placed there. We won't know the reasoning or why, but we must have peace in it.

I can really see this as a jewel itself among my own jewels in my own treasure chest.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

2A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

3A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

4A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

5A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

6A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

7A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

8A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

Each treasure has a purpose, and has a time for it to shine. We just must understand and have peace with those treasures that we have had to give up because their timeline for their period of glory has run its course according to God's will.

Have peace. . .

You have not lost your treasures. . .

They are only in a different place for safe keeping. . .

The treasure chest of one's heart.

Have peace. Be still and know He is God.

And you will see those treasures still shining and sparkling.

Rocks to Jewels only with God's hands

Today I was thinking about all the hardships I might have to face in the near future. Doctor's appointments (which I hate) tests, unknown results, moving, etc, etc. As I was thinking about the various things coming my way and I was walking and saw this particular rock and picked it up. Ha ha ha. Anyone that knows me well, would laugh and not be surprized that my mind goes to rocks.

I love rocks for some reason. I have had people look at me funny when I said that I pick up rocks when they call to me. I said that the other day, and a friend of Christy just looked at me like I was crazy and asked "Rocks talk to you?" I told him, "NO! I just get a feeling that the rock is special in someway because what it looks like. Some are pretty to look at. Some are unsual. Some are just plain, but it reflects something in my life that I might have to learn how. I know it seems odd, but I am not reading into the rocks or anything. I just really like rocks for some reason. I always have. It is part of my personality. And God knows that.

As I was going to say, I remember reading at one time about two different articles of 5 stones of faith. One was very Catholic: Prayer, Fasting, Mass/Church ( since I am no longer a practicing Catholic, ha ha ha. . .not a Catholic at all anymore. I changed it to Church), Bible and Confession. I gleaned the right information from it and discarded the rest.

The other one was based on the 5 stones of David, which I loved so I really allowed that to sink in. Those 5 stones were: Faith, Obedience, Service, Prayer and the gift of the Holy Spirit. The article is here: http://www.byui.edu/Presentations/transcripts/devotionals/2001_07_10_mcgary.htm

The other article I will not post, because since I am no longer a Catholic, I will not subject people to reading something that might lead them astray, possibly confuse them or even judge me to not be a true born again Christian. At least I can see a glimmer of truth within all the statements that other Catholics post. And it was this such article, that stressed particular focuses, which was which were some main points in Jesus' teachings so I gleaned what God wanted me to use when I read it.

But again, I regress it wasn't the reason why I picked up the rock. It was what God moved in my heart to pick up the rock and what He was trying to show me. This is what He wanted me to see.

As you can see in the photo, the rock I picked up, I could see that it was very jagged and uneven. It doesn't have much beauty in it, but yet, it still has its place, its purpose in many ways.

God molds us, shapes us and hones us with hardships and tribulations. It is what I saw in the rock. It is harsh looking and ragged, but with God's polish, it can be made into a very beautiful jewel. I am very much like that rock is so many ways. I am harsh looking with my stubborn-ness and from the inside, I am ragged and broken, but God is working on me. Honing and shaping me.

God is the blacksmith that is trying hard to shape the iron within my heart and soul, so I can become the jewel He sees in me.

The best that the rock shows me is 1 Peter 1:7

These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. 1 Peter 1:7

The rock is me. It doesn't look pretty at all, but it symbolizes my inward spiritual appearance. It is rugged, harsh, enough to cut a person that grabs it or steps on it. It's underside is flat and unmoving, which is very much like my stubborn-ness which is very unmoving, unless I want to. The rock has different shades, and mixtures of things like it as if it was conglomorated with cement with various minerals and pices of matter. My personality is very much like that and from an outward glance, might not seem very pretty at all, but God knows the jewel that housed in it. An uncut jewel will be passed up by many, because only a master gemstone cutter, will see past the ruggedness and flaws that it shows on the surface.

God is a master gemstone cutter. He knows just the right chip and cut to make a person's personality and heart to shine forth as He made it. We are all born rocks . Ha ha ha. Rocks! Some of us never see the jewel inside that God formed us before we were born and who we would become when we are born. He sees the hidden jewel, the hidden sparkle like a geode. And if we allow Him, he will polish, cut, shine and chip away at our plain, rugged surface, in order to reveal the beautiful jewel that we are .

So that rock that I picked up, showed me what God was doing to me and had been doing to me for so long. Only now, I am to see what God sees in me, and I am slowly changing the shape of my personality, the shape of my rock, with the help of Jesus.

Hardships are what they are: HARD ships. Things that are never easy to handled or deal with. Very much like rugged rocks. But I like to recall one piece of scripture that does help me hang on.

Endure suffering along with me, as a good soldier of Christ Jesus. 2 Timothy 2:3

Paul was a very harsh rock in this world, before Jesus got ahold of him and made him a very precious jewel to God. So if Paul can have faith to see it through, the hardship of the molding, melting, chipping, cutting and purifing of his heart and soul in the hands of God, then I can withstand my transformation as well.

How the world sees me does not matter anymore. What matters to me is how God sees me and how I can submit myself to His loving hands so He can beauify me in a way only He can.

So you might see an ugly, harsh rock, but in God's eyes, I am a shining, beautiful, and captivating jewel. The wonderful thing is, you are as well. A jewel in this world, which the world sees only as a rock.

I am not passing up a treasure I see in you. :o)

Stages of Faith: the limited and the unfailing

Last night I after a very busy day both mentally and physically, I sat laid down and grabbed my Bible. I opened it and wondered what God wanted me to read. I originally opened it up to the Book of Job, but since I am no longer suffering with depression, my heart felt I needed something a bit more gripping at the moment.

I flipped through and my eye caught on Mark 5:21-43 And as I lay there relaxing, God spoke to me through His Word.

As I read, I noticed that Jairus, the one of the synagogue rulers, fell at Jesus' feet pleading with him to heal his young daughter that was dying. This man believed that Jesus could heal his daughter. His belief ranged that she was dying and if He would just lay His hand upon her, she would heal and live.

And in a span of moments, I knew the story well, because I had read it before many times, but never saw it as I saw it now.

It was the words

And pleaded earnestly with him, "My little daughter is dying. Please come and put your hands on her so that she will be healed and live" Mark 5:23

I realized that his man believe that Jesus could heal his daughter because she was still alive and he was earnestly was moving the Lord to come and come quickly to work His miracle. It dawned on me that Jairus' faith might have been as limited because he felt that Jesus could only work while the small child was alive.

It made me wonder about that for a moment when I looked back at my own faith and how I limited Jesus' power in my life. How many times myself I have I said to myself to God to please do something before it is too late. It makes me really wonder. Is it ever too late for God to work miracles in my life?

The next part of the story always has touched me deeply both humorously and sincerely. A woman that who had been subjected to twelve years of some issue of blood, which she suffered a great deal. The Scripture talks about how she had been under the care of many doctors and spend all she while looking for a healing. In Jesus' time, any issue of blood would have made her unclean by Jewish standards. I can't understand the stress and the possible heartache she must have felt emotionally as she tried to find relief physically from her malady.

It is her statment that shows she unfailing faith, a type of faith that some Christian lack.

Because she thought "If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed" Mark 5: 28

She believed that Jesus could heal her! She belief moved her to reach out, no matter that there where a crowd a people around Jesus. Her belief was unfailing. It moved her

I asked myself last night. Do I have that type of belief of the woman with the issue of blood or I am more like Jarius. I have to say that my faith has waned and I have been in both spots in my life.

I know right now, as just a less then a week ago, God worked His miracle in my life, very much like Jairus. In the past months, I begged Jesus to help me with my depression and my unhappiness that racked my heart. I asked earnestly for Him to come and save the frail heart that was seemlying at the point of death. That is how I felt. I felt like I was dying inside, and knew if Jesus would just come to me, I could be healed.

Just like Jairus, I had to wait impatiently as he did yet I was just as fearful. I begged for Jesus to move, but just like with Jairus, Jesus had other plans with me. And I had to see things, expierence things before He lifted my depression. The one thing I had to experience most of all, was total brokenness so that I was more pliable in the Lord's hands to do His work, rather then my own. It is a very hard thing to live with, brokenness.

That words I say next I don't say lightly, I only say them because I understand, but I don't condone what people do when they seem like they have no more options to stop the pain they feel. I can understand how a person would want to take their life when they are so very depressed. It seems that it is the only option they have. No person can fix or heal the pain that touches that heart which is hurting. Everyone hurts for various reasons, and deals with coping with pain differently. Some people have poor coping skills, which cause they to take a more permanent solution to a temporary problem. It all comes down to how a person copes with pain.

In the pain I felt with my depression, I gripped the one thing that helped me cope. I knew if I ever let go, I would be lost even more then I was. I never let go of Jesus.

I laugh at it now, because the darkness as passed but I can see myself clinging to Jesus' robe like a pitbull latched on to the padded arm of a dog warden. My jaw was set and locked tight, I wasn't letting go. Even in my depression, my stubborness reared its ugly head, but in a way that saved me. In a way that healed me. It showed my faith in the Lord. Just as the woman with the issue of blood, I knew the power of Jesus' blood. I knew He could soothe my pains and heal my wounds. I just had to wait it out impatiently as Jairus.

When I said humorously about the woman with the issue of blood, I said that because way back in 1997 when I first got saved, I remember reading about how Jesus asked his disciples about who had touched him. I just laughed because I could see that Jesus was surrounded by a large crowd of people, that His statment seemed almost ridiculous. I laughed because I enjoyed to see that a bit of humor in the situation even thought the crowd was probably very emotionally charged, with Jairus among them worried, and fearful.

That even in an emotional charged situation, such as battling depression -the crying fits, the feeling of hopelessness and the pleads for help, Jesus can bring humor in a light hearted manner that can only make a heart smile with Joy. I know it is hard to explain, but it is stated in the Bible that the things of God are sometimes undescribable by our human standards. We only know what our heart feels. I say a bit of humor, because last Saturday when Jesus changed my life and lifted my depression. He didn't say "Who touched my clothes?" but more like "Do you see what you have done to yourself?" as if I was a very small child, that got scrapped up, bumped around, muddy, scratched, and now I was standing there covered in flith, blood and mud. And when Jesus said it, it wasn't a scolding or punishing, but it was one of sorrow and concern, filled with love and healing. I looked at myself honestly, unblinded by the pain I had felt from others and the world. And at the moment, the depression I felt was lifted and I saw how I had been treated myself and how I looked with all my subborness to lead my own life.

I was the long lost lamb, that Jesus looked for and didn't give up until I was back in his arms. I can smile now and laugh at my stubbornness, because now it seems so silly that I acted the way I did.

I laid in bed last night smiling knowing that a person have to go through learning different types of faith during one's life.

So once after Jesus healed the woman, Jarius so heard the news that he dreaded to hear. "Your daughter is dead" and "Why bother the teacher anymore?"

A wonderful thing happened after that. I am sure Jarius' heart just burst in his heart with pain. He had so much faith that if Jesus would just come to his house, his loved one would be healed. A wonderful thing to hear Jesus' voice say "Don't be afraid; just believe"

How many times does a person have to hear those wonderful words. Not just from our fellow Christians, but from Jesus himself. I believe those are the words that Jesus said to me that Saturday morning when I sat there in my deep sadness and pain. I might have been physically sitting in a chair at my computer, but spiritually I was laying on the ground, crying at the feet of Jesus. He lifted me up, comforted me. And in love, said "Look at yourself" in a manner as if I needed extra care, a spiritual bath of his healing blood to heal and clean my many wounds, and a closeness to feel loved and safe. Just like a lost lamb.

And suddenly, in a blink of an eye, I was changed. The cloud of depression was lifted and I had joy in my heart undescribable.

In Mark 5:38-39. Jesus saw the commotion filled with crying and wailing loudly. He told them the child was not dead.

As I lay on my spiritual floor, I was crying and wailing. I was dead. I felt dead. I felt worst then dead. I knew I was saved, but I still felt dead. How is that? I still ask myself that. It doesn't matter now, but I am sure if I need to know God will enlighten me in time. The only important thing is that Jesus picked me up and reminded me that I wasn't dead, I was just sleeping, just like the daughter of Jairus.

but like Jarius, Jesus also had to show me that He works in His timing, not my own. And it is never too late for Jesus to work with me, once I have been saved. I was a lamb in His flock and He would never abandon me, when I some how lost my way and got lost. The Shepherd will always search and bring back the wayward lamb to His flock.

That like Jarius, I limited my faith in God. I believed that there God could possible only help me during the demanding time of my heart. I was trying to stubbornly get Him to work according to my time. But just like Jarius with the issues of faith, and the death and witnessed resurrection of Lazarus. It shows that Jesus arrives exactly on time, every time. It isn't our time. But His time.

So learned last night that I have limited my faith according to what I saw and felt, as well as I also hard an unfailing faith in the saving grace of my Lord and Saviour. That the Word of God teaches and shows me parts of my own life in the Bible, in a way I had never saw before.

I just have to be still and allow God to speak to me and He will teach me about faith and what I am suppose to learn from it.

Thank you Lord :o)

Are you waiting to be roadkill?

I know I haven't posted for a long while. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I have been suffering depression and trying to balance other things in my hectic life.

Well, my long hiatus due to depression is over with. I am ready to get back to living my life, in which I have been away from for so long. I want to say 13 years to be truthful, no matter how sad it maybe. Depression can really suck the life out of someone. The sad thing is that that depression I suffered was because of myself and how I was conducting my life. Only my faith in God really pulled me thought, because God was the only one that could reach me where I was going.

I was playing in the traffic of life, and it seems that I was destined to be roadkill. And God saved me from weaving and dodging the oncoming vehicles in this life I was facing.

The world is full of painful things a person must face, and not all advice that we recieve do we take to heart as we should. I was one of those people. I wasn't snubbing my friends advice purposely. I just didn't see what they were trying to tell me. I was blind. Blind of what I was doing to myself.

Each person deals with pain in their own way. My way was shutting down the memories that bought forth the pain and took steps to safe guard the trigger of those memories and pain that came along with it. When I started this process, I was only 23 years old, and now I am 35. It has taken along time to learn from my mistakes. Mistakes I didn't see, so I am hopeful reaching out to prevent someone else from doing the same. The process in which I started, wasn't something that I planned on always keeping active, it just happened that way and in time, I warpped the true reason for it. And it cause me to have great sadness and long standing depression. But using the selective process of closeting memories and preventing any actions that would trigger those feelings of pain and loss, I cut off a part of my personality that might trigger it. One of the deepest cuts to my personality was listening to music and drawing. I stopped doing those because it triggered good memories, which caused my heart to ache and remember my great loss. So for the last 13 years, I cut apart of my personality slowly, but methodically because exboyfriends, friends that had betrayed me, and family hurt me deeply and badly. It was the only thing I could do to cope with what my heart felt. It gave me a way to function while my heart was healing and learning how to live in happiness again.

But instead of happiness, I was causing my own depression, as I cut more and more away from my personality, and become less and less like "me" Only in the last couple months, as the Easter season was approaching, I was grasping on the hem of the Lord, because I felt that I was losing the battle with my depression.

In many words, I was wandering into oncoming traffic, but unable to find my own way out of the blinding lights. I was calling out to the Lord, constantly, but I wasn't hearing His Voice as I had wished I would. I didn't give up, because I knew He was there, even though I didn't feel Him or hear Him.

I was really pushing becoming roadkill on this road of life. It makes me wonder how many other people like myself, both Christian and non Christian alike that are wandering on the road, trying to cross to a better place, only to be blinded and confused by what is rushing for them. I was aware that others were crossing this "road" safely, but for some reason I wasn't move along as fast as I would have like. I was going so slow and I felt that I was just dodging the dangers just bearly each time. It was very time consuming and draining for me. I tried to focus on God, but my eyes were always on the blinding lights coming my way. I fought to get where others were at.

I couldn't find the reason for my depression or unhappiness. I just knew I was struggling and very, unhappy with my life. But the one thing I did know, was that God was my own hope in finding my way.

Now, that I am able to really "see" what my friends and family were trying to tell me and show me, I realize how dumb and blind I was. They did try to help, but I didn't see or hear it. Most of my friends gave up due to my repeativing whining and crying to my plight in life. My mother reached out to the point I got very spiteful to her telling me what to do and pushed her away. I just didn't see what I was doing.

The only thing that did get through to me was music. I happened to listen to some music I hadn't listen to in years. Songs that triggered good memories that I had long forgotten. One song really resonated in my soul, as it did as a teenager.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly

Blackbird fly

Listening to that simple song by the Beatles, opened doors to places in my heart that I had closed so long ago. I remembered my dreams and ideas. The hope I had. My future I held in my hand. And I asked myself why I had lost those feelings and ideas, that I held so dear.

The seed had been planted, and it grew as more songs that my heart moved me to listen to. In the depressing past, I would listen to certain songs that would remind me of my sadness, but these songs reminded me of the hope and dreams I had. With each song, something awakened in me, but I didn't know what it was.

Until, God showed me what I had done to myself and why I was so unhappy. I had stopped being "me". I cut away and killed the things that make me who I am and brought me joy. I allowed people in my life that hurt me cause me to slowly destroy msyelf from the inside out. God showed this to me Saturday Morning, as I was continuing listening to particular tracks of songs, that reminded me of the dreams I had, the happiness that it brought me. It showed me the past picture of me being "me"

And just like when Jesus healed the blind man, I was able to see. I mean really see what I had done to myself. I stopped being msyelf. And there was no way I could find happiness or end my depression when I wasn't allowing msyelf to be the person, God made me to be.

God knows me and He knows that one of the most important things in my life is music. I was listening to Christian music all the time. It was comforting me, but not sparking the dreams that I had locked away in the closets of my soul. It was the secular music that I prevented myelf from listening to. I needed healing and comfort, and no amount of secular music was going to help me. I knew that because I was hurting so badly and I needed help. God knew that. I just didn't know how it was going to come about. I had a feeling that no person was going to be able to give me that, because none of my friends were able to fix the hole that the pain was leaking out of. I knew God was the only answer. I just was growing impatient and so very tired of waiting in pain.

I was just clinging to God as long as I could. I was so very depressed and unhappy. It just seemed unending. Listening to the music that sparked the dreams I once had even caused a bit of pain regarding what I saw as a wasted life before me. But God worked on my heart, cause He knew I would not be able to see until I was completely broken. And I was completely broken. So broken that nothing seems to matter anymore. Nothing at all. Some days, all I did was lay there and cry. I cryed out to the Lord, but I still reared my stubborn head when things were not going the way I wanted them to.

God had to wait until I was completely broken before I would allow him to touch my heart as He did once before when I was first got saved. And I realize now, that after I got saved, I wasn't really open with Jesus. I still wasn't surrendering myself to a point that God could take control. I was still trying to man my own boat. I wanted to be the pilot, not Jesus.

But God knows me and He knows how stubborn I can be. I have always been a stubborn little thing, even when I was born 3 months premature, and refused to die as the doctors that were present at my birth told my mother that I would do. I refused to do what the world told me that I was do and become. Being stubborn as been a focal point in my life. It is unfortunately a very strong trait in my personality. But stubborness can be both good or bad, depending on it is used.

My stubborness as allow me to live, to push myself to put myself through college, work 3 jobs while doing so. But in the other hand my stubborness has always caused me to not listen to those trying to help me, and go my own lonely way, because I could and I would.

God had to break that destructive stubborness, so He could use the positive stubborness that was housed in my heart, deep inside. It was that destructive stubborness that cause me to process pain and closet parts of my personality in order to function and live my life to what I thought was fit.

Sigh,

God knew this and He knew I wasn't going to back down until I was broken. And I was very broken.

I was wandering in oncoming busy traffic of life, blind and dumb to what the consquences of it all. I was too stubborn to care. I was going to do what I felt was the best for me. It worked for me most of my life. To get past the abuse both mental, emotional and physical, the abandonment, the loneliness, the rejection and the intense pain my heart felt. I was able to survive my childhood and young adult life, to following what I consider the soldiering process. I was a soldier and I had to "buck" up and deal with that life gave me. So I selected various memories and actions that would prevent a trigger to all my pain and memories of my loss. Yes, I was being stubborn, because that is how God made me.

God knew. . .

And He knew that He had to wait until I was broken to a point that nothing that ever mattered to me, didn't matter any longer. Until the only thing I clung to was Him. And the last month, the last week, I clung, because I had nothing else to grab ahold of anything. Nothing else matter. There was no happiness in anything, but having comfort in the Lord. It is the way that God wants it. He is a jealous God and He wants no one else to take His place in a person's life. Not music, not artwork, not people, not animals, not computers. NOTHING And He could only work when I had found no happiness in things in my life, no matter that I cut so much of my personality away due to the pain of this world.

Only then could God show me how He had made me, the full of potential. That He could really show me who I was. Only when I was dumb, and blind, could He work a miracle and allow me to see the sunshine and hear the wonderful music of Life that He wanted to share with me.

So I was playing in traffic, threating to be hit by this world, and cast aside like roadkill, dead and forgotten. But that is now how He wanted it. Jesus came into this world to fullfill it and He overcame it so He could overcome anything, even heavy traffic and blinding lights. The only issue was, was I going to allow the hand that grabbed me out of the chaos I was in to lead me once again, truly and sure, or was I going to pull back and demand stubbornly, I would lead myself.

I allowed the hand to lead me. He lead me beside the still waters. . .

He restored my soul. . .

Honestly, I can say I have never said this words more truly and passionately as I do know. Because they are burned upon my heart and my very life feels that more then I ever have.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

I have finally come home. .

My depression is gone. The darkness in which I wandered is gone. I am not longer wandering in traffic.

I am being lead by a wonderful and loving Shepherd. He went looking for a lost, wounded lamb, and did not give up until He found it. I have been found.

I have finally come home. . .

I am home. . .

Thank you dear Jesus!

Finding the Truth in the Word, and in my heart.

February 26 John 1:19-34 Psalm 2

Yesterday night was a bit of a hassle with my soul, as I missed the Wednesday service. I really needed some praise and worship in my life yesterday, but my peace of mind came later that night when I was praying a little bit, or I was trying to. My DVD player stopped playing so I just relaxed in silence while reading my new book. It is called “Overcoming the Enemy” by Charles Stanley. It was about discovering God’s plan for winning Spiritual battles. I got into Chapter two when I relaxed so much I fell asleep, which was really unusually for me, as uptight as I was last night. IT was a God send for me. I had a lovely night’s sleep.

I woke up this morning refreshed and ready to go with reading my Bible and praying. :o)

John 1:19-34

A Voice in the Wilderness

19 Now this is the testimony of John, when the Jews sent priests and Levites from Jerusalem to ask him, “Who are you?” 20 He confessed, and did not deny, but confessed, “I am not the Christ.”
21 And they asked him, “What then? Are you Elijah?” He said, “I am not.” “Are you the Prophet?”
And he answered, “No.” 22 Then they said to him, “Who are you, that we may give an answer to those who sent us? What do you say about yourself?” 23 He said: “I am

The voice of one crying in the wilderness:

Make straight the way of the LORD,”’
as the prophet Isaiah said.”

I believe that John was the messenger sent to prepare the way for the Messiah.
John the Baptist had a strong character and confidence before the priests and Levites from Jereusalem to declare he wasn’t who they thought he was, and bold enough to state what his role was in God’s Kingdom.

I hope to have the confidence and the boldness of John the Baptist when I proclaim the Good News to others.

24 Now those who were sent were from the Pharisees. 25 And they asked him, saying, “Why then do you baptize if you are not the Christ, nor Elijah, nor the Prophet?”
26 John answered them, saying, “I baptize with water, but there stands One among you whom you do not know. 27 It is He who, coming after me, is preferred before me, whose sandal strap I am not worthy to loose.” 28 These things were done in Bethabara beyond the Jordan, where John was baptizing.

Wow, it must have been amazing for John to state that the Messiah was among them and none of them realized it but him. To have Jesus, the Son of God, walking in the midst, experiences life as we lived it. It is very humbling to know that Jesus, left his Throne in Heaven, to walk among us.

To think of that is mind boggling, to think Jesus cared enough for me, you and everyone that he sacrificed so much just for us.

I know I am not worthy as a sinful human to unloosen his sandal strap, but only by his precious blood that he shed at Calvary, as I am worthy to stand before Father God.

The Lamb of God

29 The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold! The Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world! 30 This is He of whom I said, ‘After me comes a Man who is preferred before me, for He was before me.’ 31 I did not know Him; but that He should be revealed to Israel, therefore I came baptizing with water.” 32 And John bore witness, saying, “I saw the Spirit descending from heaven like a dove, and He remained upon Him. 33 I did not know Him, but He who sent me to baptize with water said to me, ‘Upon whom you see the Spirit descending, and remaining on Him, this is He who baptizes with the Holy Spirit.’ 34 And I have seen and testified that this is the Son of God.”

I believe Jesus is the Lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world

John knew then the Messiah stepped forth, but I wonder how many were in the crowd that saw what John saw that day. Did any that were there hunger for the Kingdom of God as John did. Did any of them feel within their hearts that this person that stepped forth, who was Jesus, was special. Did their hearts speak to them and tell them it was their Messiah standing there? Some day I will ask God these questions and I know all my questions will be answered.

I believe God the Father confirmed that Jesus is the Savior of the world when the Holy Spirit descended and rested upon him after his baptism.

During this time, I like to imagine what it might have been like to be in the crowd and follow Jesus as His ministry grew. Would I have been an skeptic or would have my heart proclaimed the true to my soul, when I saw Jesus? As my heart yearns for Jesus, I want to believe I would have known as soon as John the Baptist proclaimed it.

My mind might not have wanted to believe it because it is rationalizes by human standards, but the heart, the soul knows and believes sometimes what the mind can comprehend. That is how I know there is a God. I believe because the fiber of my being tells me so, even though my mind logically tries at times to disprove His existence.

Psalm 2

This psalm helps me focus on it is not the places, the kingdoms of this world that I should focus on, because all things of this Earth, will fall away int time.

The Messiah’s Triumph and Kingdom

1 Why do the nations rage,
And the people plot a vain thing?
2 The kings of the earth set themselves,
And the rulers take counsel together,
Against the LORD and against His Anointed, saying,
3 “Let us break Their bonds in pieces
And cast away Their cords from us.”

All around me, I see the world raging and taking over other countries. I see people caught up in the vanities of being the King of the Hill, as others are trampled underneath. I have even see lately in the news how Countries around the world have denied the Kingdom of God and His Messiah, Jesus. I am watching those people try to tear down what God controls. I know that God is in control.

I know that the Lord scoffs at the human attempts to overthrow His kingship.

4 He who sits in the heavens shall laugh;
The Lord shall hold them in derision.
5 Then He shall speak to them in His wrath,
And distress them in His deep displeasure:
6 “Yet I have set My King
On My holy hill of Zion.”

May the Word of God always be my shining light in this world. I hope that my heart always remains true as the world around me doubts My God. And when my God acts upon His displeasure to those that scorn him and do not believe in Him, may I always pray for those unbelievers so they might see the truth.


7 “I will declare the decree:
The LORD has said to Me,
‘You are My Son,
Today I have begotten You.
8 Ask of Me, and I will give You
The nations for Your inheritance,
And the ends of the earth for Your possession.
9 You shall break them with a rod of iron;
You shall dash them to pieces like a potter’s vessel.’”

I am child of God and My God is my Father. As a child would ask of their father, all I have to do is ask and He will provide. He has granted me many blessings, and He wants me to prosper, for it is right as a child of God. It is my inheritance!

One of my friend told me once, a cub of the Lion, and that makes me a Lion as well, as that in itself is powerful, because sometimes I forget that I am child of God and the rights that come with it. I should never forget that!

I want to be more like David for yearn for the Heart of God and to do His will in his life.

I want to be more like John the Baptist, who was bold and strong in proclaiming the coming of God’s Kingdom. I want to be bold and strong in this world and share the Gospel with others.

I want to be more like Jesus who was compassionate to all and had His heart and mind and soul only for you, God. I want to be like that always.

10 Now therefore, be wise, O kings;
Be instructed, you judges of the earth.
11 Serve the LORD with fear,
And rejoice with trembling.
12 Kiss the Son, lest He be angry,
And you perish in the way,
When His wrath is kindled but a little.
Blessed are all those who put their trust in Him.

Lord, allow all that I do, be in the wisdom in which You give me. May the Lord always instruct me in the ways I should act upon and do within my employment. I hope that I shall always serve God with fear, that He knows all and my ungodly actions will be seen maybe not by man, but will always be seen by God.

I praise God that it is He that keeps my pathways straight and my mind pure in a World that is wild and ungodly. I put my trust in God and His son, Jesus and not in the worldly kings in which I live.

I serve the Lord with fear and rejoicing because he is King of all.

I submit of God’s Son and find protection in Him

Daniel's Prayer Daniel 9:4-19

This is a lengthy prayer and I am very tired, so I will resume discussing what that prayer tells me when I read it. I must not fall behind on reading or writing or I won’t catch up.

Tomorrow I will be reading and studying John 1:35-51 (Word) Psalm 5 (Praise) and David's Prayer for Protection Psalm 3 (Prayer)

I have to say with much rejoicing and gladness that I have found my place back with God. I realized earlier today that my faith in God has been restored and I knew it wouldn’t take long. The Word of God and what God does in my life daily, is proof enough for me that He is there. I don’t have to always understand why things happen in my life the way they do. I just have to have faith and trust in my Father God. And at times, a stumble on the path of my faith, but God is patience with me, and when I do fall, He does help me up, weather I acknowledge it or not. He is there.

And for that, I am very, very thankful and blessed by His presence in my life.

God bless