I can't say that my life has been easy the last couple months by any means. If anything, I have grown and I have learned that being in a relationship is not easy. Especially not easy if it is one sided, as I have been told, I have been acting. Loving is harder and feeling understood is harder. Communication is even harder.
When you have another person in your life, I realized that I am more apt to learn my flaws and faults from this person. And depending how the other person presents them, can either uplift you and drive you to improve yourself or bring you down and cause to crawl toward some type of comfort.
I have to say that more so then not, I have been crawling toward some type of comfort. Listening to upbeat music, Listening to encouraging sermons, or reading a good book or reading my Bible. I have learned alot about myself due to my boyfriend. I can't say that I feel the greatest about the things he says.
Honestly, I cringe and race toward my bible and search from some solution to help with my various issues.I have learned that I tend to get defensive to when people ask me question. Due to a rough past, I have always had to explain myself one way or another to protect myself.
Defensiveness is an automatic habit of standing up for myself as a young child. As all old habits, they are hard to overcome even more in the most tense of situations. Most of the time, my defensiveness has been seen as an attitude. I honestly don't like like the word "attitude" because is sounds so negative especially when it comes to describing a trait of mine. I dont' like to think I have an attitude, yet when I am told I have one, it hurts to know that so I move toward finding a solution and learning how to change how I see and feel things for the better.
The Bible says in Philippians 2:5 that "Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:" I have learned that at times, it is hard to stop and think when one's emotions are already flared. It is only afterward, when I realized that I wasn't as Christian minded as I would like, I feel horrible. I don't know how many times, I prayed to God to make me an instrument of His will and heart when I come up against disagreements and verbal fights with the one I love. That I lay down my verbal sword that I am trying to protect myself with and stand there without posing some threat to another.
My boyfriend says I do not respect him because of the way I speak to him when we argue. When we argue, I get snippy. Once again, it is my defensiveness and attitude. It is automatic and something I need to switch off completely and permenately. Ephesians 4:22 states that "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off the old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds."
That is what I strive for so much that I have stopped talking to my boyfriend. Communication has broken down due to the fact, I haven't found a way to shut the "attitude" off. I don't want to disrespect him, so I have gone silent mostly. I am still working on how I can open up and communicate without causing a problem. It is like I am walking against a strong current, like a river I am trying to cross, but I am unable to. I pause in fear and uncertainity, as if I walk anymore, I will just be washed away by the storm waters.
I know as a child of God that my attitude should be one of love, forgiveness, consideration, caring, encouragement, kindness, humility, unselfishness, and respectfulness, yet at times during an argument I find myself forgetting those traits that I have learned through out the years while following Jesus. I have had to identify the bad attitudes I have and try to repent from them.
It says so in Acts 8:22 "Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you."
In the last 3 months while dating my boyfriend, I have found myself to be defiant, self centered, rude, defensive and most of all proud. It was just two weeks ago I was told that I talk down to my boyfriend, as if I was more superior then he was. I was shocked and a bit hurt at the thought.
I will admit that I am very independent, as I have taking care of myself since I was 18, but I never thought I had some type of superior complex. If anything, I struggle with my self esteem because I don't see myself as being superior over anyone.
Upset, and trying to get the root of the problem. I had been listening to Joel Osteen, and he said if I dont' get to the root of the problem, then no matter what you do, the situation will not improve. I looked up "Snippy" in the thesaurus and found words like Arrogant, cocky, high and mighty, haughty and Proud. It was the word, "proud" that got me.
I thought about it for a while. Yes, I was proud of myself. I own my own home, my own car, I have a college education that I paid for myself, for the last 14 years I had worked 2 or 3 jobs conceutively. I have always done things myself. I was proud, even if I didn't state it. I just have always had a take-charge attitude when it came to my life. I have learned that when you are sharing your life with someone, it isn't always the best attitude to have. It is a hard trait to break. I have learned that I have a lot of pride, and I am ashamed to find myself filled with it. I never saw it before. I know it is a sin before the Lord.
"Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall. Better to be lowly in spirit and among the oppressed than to share plunder with the proud." Proverbs 16:18-19
"Haughty eyes and a proud heart, the lamp of the wicked, are sin!" Proverbs 21:4
I don't want to be seen as being haughty or proud.
I want to be more like Psalms 131:1 where it states "My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me."
I have struggled with this pride and "attitude" so I searched for an answer in God's word. I read and read, in order to burn God's Word upon my soul to correct the wrong found there. I always try to ask God to help me, especially when I am in an argument with a loved one, like my boyfriend. To help myself, I created and A.T.T.I.T.U.D.E. card. I will share it here in hopes it will help someone else that struggles as I do.
A. - Avoid anger, Knowing the destructive forces & striving to maintain "cool" and serenity (James 1:19 My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,)
T - Tactful: considerate, delicate & diplomatic with other's feelings and ideas (Col 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.)
T - Temperate: Self control. Do not lose control over society's ills (Titus 2:12 It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age)
I - Initiative: Take position and do what needs to be done (Phil 3:14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.) (Phil 4:13 I can do everything through him who gives me strength.)
T - Thoughfulness: attention and care to others and their feelings first. (Phil 2:4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.)
U - Understanding: comprehend situations (Psalms 119:34 Give me understanding, and I will keep your lawand obey it with all my heart.)
D - Discipline: Uphold and continue a consistent, well ordered life with Godly obedience, regardless of feeling (1 Timothy 4:7 Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives' tales; rather, train yourself to be godly.)
E - Enthusiasm: Overcome disappointments and setbacks, be positive, optimistic when things are harsh ( Matt 5:16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.) ( Rom 12:11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord.) (Gal 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.) (Col 3:23 Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men)
I worked hard on finding just the right words to spell attitude in a good and bibicial way, so it would be positive and spiritual. I had other scripture to go with the A.T.T.I.T.U.D.E. but it was all I could fit on a 3x5 index card so I could carry it around with me. Of course, minus the writting out scripture references. I might still work them into another index card "draft" to it would be more helpful for me.
I am trying hard to be a better person, a better Christian. At this point in time, it is very hard, yet I still strive for what God has for me. God knows I am not a quitter, even if the times are hard and uncertain for me. I continue to walk against the rough waters, which are against me. Calm waters will be coming soon, and it will be more like walkiing along the shore on the sunny beach. This I speak in faith, because God is faithful and true.
Sorry, for my babbling. I guess, I was yearning to speak out and share on what I have seen in myself and what I have been struggling with. Thank you for listening. I am hoping that maybe, my struggles could help someone that is also facing the same thing.
God bless you all.
