Are you waiting to be roadkill?

I know I haven't posted for a long while. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I have been suffering depression and trying to balance other things in my hectic life.

Well, my long hiatus due to depression is over with. I am ready to get back to living my life, in which I have been away from for so long. I want to say 13 years to be truthful, no matter how sad it maybe. Depression can really suck the life out of someone. The sad thing is that that depression I suffered was because of myself and how I was conducting my life. Only my faith in God really pulled me thought, because God was the only one that could reach me where I was going.

I was playing in the traffic of life, and it seems that I was destined to be roadkill. And God saved me from weaving and dodging the oncoming vehicles in this life I was facing.

The world is full of painful things a person must face, and not all advice that we recieve do we take to heart as we should. I was one of those people. I wasn't snubbing my friends advice purposely. I just didn't see what they were trying to tell me. I was blind. Blind of what I was doing to myself.

Each person deals with pain in their own way. My way was shutting down the memories that bought forth the pain and took steps to safe guard the trigger of those memories and pain that came along with it. When I started this process, I was only 23 years old, and now I am 35. It has taken along time to learn from my mistakes. Mistakes I didn't see, so I am hopeful reaching out to prevent someone else from doing the same. The process in which I started, wasn't something that I planned on always keeping active, it just happened that way and in time, I warpped the true reason for it. And it cause me to have great sadness and long standing depression. But using the selective process of closeting memories and preventing any actions that would trigger those feelings of pain and loss, I cut off a part of my personality that might trigger it. One of the deepest cuts to my personality was listening to music and drawing. I stopped doing those because it triggered good memories, which caused my heart to ache and remember my great loss. So for the last 13 years, I cut apart of my personality slowly, but methodically because exboyfriends, friends that had betrayed me, and family hurt me deeply and badly. It was the only thing I could do to cope with what my heart felt. It gave me a way to function while my heart was healing and learning how to live in happiness again.

But instead of happiness, I was causing my own depression, as I cut more and more away from my personality, and become less and less like "me" Only in the last couple months, as the Easter season was approaching, I was grasping on the hem of the Lord, because I felt that I was losing the battle with my depression.

In many words, I was wandering into oncoming traffic, but unable to find my own way out of the blinding lights. I was calling out to the Lord, constantly, but I wasn't hearing His Voice as I had wished I would. I didn't give up, because I knew He was there, even though I didn't feel Him or hear Him.

I was really pushing becoming roadkill on this road of life. It makes me wonder how many other people like myself, both Christian and non Christian alike that are wandering on the road, trying to cross to a better place, only to be blinded and confused by what is rushing for them. I was aware that others were crossing this "road" safely, but for some reason I wasn't move along as fast as I would have like. I was going so slow and I felt that I was just dodging the dangers just bearly each time. It was very time consuming and draining for me. I tried to focus on God, but my eyes were always on the blinding lights coming my way. I fought to get where others were at.

I couldn't find the reason for my depression or unhappiness. I just knew I was struggling and very, unhappy with my life. But the one thing I did know, was that God was my own hope in finding my way.

Now, that I am able to really "see" what my friends and family were trying to tell me and show me, I realize how dumb and blind I was. They did try to help, but I didn't see or hear it. Most of my friends gave up due to my repeativing whining and crying to my plight in life. My mother reached out to the point I got very spiteful to her telling me what to do and pushed her away. I just didn't see what I was doing.

The only thing that did get through to me was music. I happened to listen to some music I hadn't listen to in years. Songs that triggered good memories that I had long forgotten. One song really resonated in my soul, as it did as a teenager.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these broken wings and learn to fly

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird singing in the dead of night

Take these sunken eyes and learn to see

All your life

You were only waiting for this moment to be free

Blackbird fly

Blackbird fly

Listening to that simple song by the Beatles, opened doors to places in my heart that I had closed so long ago. I remembered my dreams and ideas. The hope I had. My future I held in my hand. And I asked myself why I had lost those feelings and ideas, that I held so dear.

The seed had been planted, and it grew as more songs that my heart moved me to listen to. In the depressing past, I would listen to certain songs that would remind me of my sadness, but these songs reminded me of the hope and dreams I had. With each song, something awakened in me, but I didn't know what it was.

Until, God showed me what I had done to myself and why I was so unhappy. I had stopped being "me". I cut away and killed the things that make me who I am and brought me joy. I allowed people in my life that hurt me cause me to slowly destroy msyelf from the inside out. God showed this to me Saturday Morning, as I was continuing listening to particular tracks of songs, that reminded me of the dreams I had, the happiness that it brought me. It showed me the past picture of me being "me"

And just like when Jesus healed the blind man, I was able to see. I mean really see what I had done to myself. I stopped being msyelf. And there was no way I could find happiness or end my depression when I wasn't allowing msyelf to be the person, God made me to be.

God knows me and He knows that one of the most important things in my life is music. I was listening to Christian music all the time. It was comforting me, but not sparking the dreams that I had locked away in the closets of my soul. It was the secular music that I prevented myelf from listening to. I needed healing and comfort, and no amount of secular music was going to help me. I knew that because I was hurting so badly and I needed help. God knew that. I just didn't know how it was going to come about. I had a feeling that no person was going to be able to give me that, because none of my friends were able to fix the hole that the pain was leaking out of. I knew God was the only answer. I just was growing impatient and so very tired of waiting in pain.

I was just clinging to God as long as I could. I was so very depressed and unhappy. It just seemed unending. Listening to the music that sparked the dreams I once had even caused a bit of pain regarding what I saw as a wasted life before me. But God worked on my heart, cause He knew I would not be able to see until I was completely broken. And I was completely broken. So broken that nothing seems to matter anymore. Nothing at all. Some days, all I did was lay there and cry. I cryed out to the Lord, but I still reared my stubborn head when things were not going the way I wanted them to.

God had to wait until I was completely broken before I would allow him to touch my heart as He did once before when I was first got saved. And I realize now, that after I got saved, I wasn't really open with Jesus. I still wasn't surrendering myself to a point that God could take control. I was still trying to man my own boat. I wanted to be the pilot, not Jesus.

But God knows me and He knows how stubborn I can be. I have always been a stubborn little thing, even when I was born 3 months premature, and refused to die as the doctors that were present at my birth told my mother that I would do. I refused to do what the world told me that I was do and become. Being stubborn as been a focal point in my life. It is unfortunately a very strong trait in my personality. But stubborness can be both good or bad, depending on it is used.

My stubborness as allow me to live, to push myself to put myself through college, work 3 jobs while doing so. But in the other hand my stubborness has always caused me to not listen to those trying to help me, and go my own lonely way, because I could and I would.

God had to break that destructive stubborness, so He could use the positive stubborness that was housed in my heart, deep inside. It was that destructive stubborness that cause me to process pain and closet parts of my personality in order to function and live my life to what I thought was fit.

Sigh,

God knew this and He knew I wasn't going to back down until I was broken. And I was very broken.

I was wandering in oncoming busy traffic of life, blind and dumb to what the consquences of it all. I was too stubborn to care. I was going to do what I felt was the best for me. It worked for me most of my life. To get past the abuse both mental, emotional and physical, the abandonment, the loneliness, the rejection and the intense pain my heart felt. I was able to survive my childhood and young adult life, to following what I consider the soldiering process. I was a soldier and I had to "buck" up and deal with that life gave me. So I selected various memories and actions that would prevent a trigger to all my pain and memories of my loss. Yes, I was being stubborn, because that is how God made me.

God knew. . .

And He knew that He had to wait until I was broken to a point that nothing that ever mattered to me, didn't matter any longer. Until the only thing I clung to was Him. And the last month, the last week, I clung, because I had nothing else to grab ahold of anything. Nothing else matter. There was no happiness in anything, but having comfort in the Lord. It is the way that God wants it. He is a jealous God and He wants no one else to take His place in a person's life. Not music, not artwork, not people, not animals, not computers. NOTHING And He could only work when I had found no happiness in things in my life, no matter that I cut so much of my personality away due to the pain of this world.

Only then could God show me how He had made me, the full of potential. That He could really show me who I was. Only when I was dumb, and blind, could He work a miracle and allow me to see the sunshine and hear the wonderful music of Life that He wanted to share with me.

So I was playing in traffic, threating to be hit by this world, and cast aside like roadkill, dead and forgotten. But that is now how He wanted it. Jesus came into this world to fullfill it and He overcame it so He could overcome anything, even heavy traffic and blinding lights. The only issue was, was I going to allow the hand that grabbed me out of the chaos I was in to lead me once again, truly and sure, or was I going to pull back and demand stubbornly, I would lead myself.

I allowed the hand to lead me. He lead me beside the still waters. . .

He restored my soul. . .

Honestly, I can say I have never said this words more truly and passionately as I do know. Because they are burned upon my heart and my very life feels that more then I ever have.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

I have finally come home. .

My depression is gone. The darkness in which I wandered is gone. I am not longer wandering in traffic.

I am being lead by a wonderful and loving Shepherd. He went looking for a lost, wounded lamb, and did not give up until He found it. I have been found.

I have finally come home. . .

I am home. . .

Thank you dear Jesus!